Written by: Julianne on March 24 2015
What if we lose the will to live. We have learned in our life time that our “will” controls our everyday surroundings. It designs our wants, our desires, our happiness. What if you wake up, to finding that you no lover “will” to live. You have faced all your life, and that moment when the only happiness in your world, your child has been taken from you. Your only happiness, you have. You use to look through your desires, to growing your child, each day the magic of teaching and watching him. That laughter being the only music you love to hear.
What if one day you wake up, to nothing. The sound of nothing around you, no longer a word. Those whom you loved, all gone, within a short period of time. The life that you have lived, was not a mask, you knowing you lived each day up to that moment in truth. You had life, you never had to hide anything in your life.
We know our will designed, where we are today, so for what we face in this very moment, is in fact truth. If it is within this moment, I said to myself, I need to write what I am feeling. I feel no longer to live.
If today, I have to put on a mask and live my life in untruth, then what in fact is life. Today, what was I to do when I awoke in the mornings, new sun light as it only helped me to feel love before. Now in truth, I no longer feel love. I feel great to knowing people do care for me, and I have loved in my life others. I do not understand in this pain, what love is to be bright anymore.
So when that sun shines, and it is a new day, it is just a reminder of a day of pain, for the will of life is no longer within. We have been birthed with light, created by love. We have grown by our loved ones taking care of us. We have met many whom attempted to be a part of our hearts, partners, friends, loved ones, but when from your life, you create a life you decide to give up yourself to place you in that child, when that baby is no longer here, after years of laughter, smiles and growth, then what. Please tell me, I am having a hard time understanding it.
Yes, they say you cannot give up. You need to go on. Why? Tell me. Is it correct to live in a lie now. So within this moment, I do not have a will to live. I look at a picture, and my soul screams outside of my body already. It is not wanting to stay here anymore.
So tell me, we are not as the Buddhist state to live with attachment, then why is the cord of life having to be cut. A mother is connected to a child, within birth. Only to be separated by a cut. This cut, is the deepest, for it does not allow her to hold her love. Her baby, her child, her creation whom was attached to her as he grew within her womb.
I have learned by ordeals and great spiritual guides a great deal about will. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.”
Please then explain to me then why, if the love is the law, love under will, then in my heart, at this moment, my will and love is in fact truths.
We are told to time will bring life, and we are to learn to live around this pain. Not within this moment. I do not have the balls to take my life, but I have given up on it. I will not to live. I will not to be here, and with each new sunrise, my will to do anything has no meaning.
Love has been felt at the highest of highs and Love has been felt at the lowest of lows. What within, if there is no light, or will to shine is there? I willed to be a mother, to have a wonderful child. I willed to watch my son, to love. I willed for my life to be spent each day with meaning, if it was from having to work to pay for any of his dreams and chances to come true, so be it to be. Now, what is there to feed.
My soul screams to leave, within the life to me is a waiting game of pleading with the heart that was once filled with love to stop. That the pain within my soul, takes over the body witch it is being held down upon. Within death one day, I will be in glory to be freed from this torment of life. For I do not have the courage, to doing it. I will seek to walk, talk, be as a walking corpse. Filled with the most dark elements that a soul does not want to dwell. If there is a reason for our pain, to be as to coping with each day forward, then why do we loose our own love.
I await each day closer to being freed. That this body in which has held my soul from climbing outward to the light… I await the light again… Each day, closer to the light in which the soul is attempting to reach.
” For within dwells darkness, from life in which had been lost to our own creation, then within the darkness we reside, until the soul makes its final departure, to light to be in bliss of no more pain”
I await, I do what they body wills, but the soul has will to direct towards the light. by the permission of my love. My love is the law.